In the past few days, weeks or months... I haven't been totally beaming with happiness. Funny how it is so easy or maybe even mechanical to let out a smile or laugh without actually meaning it 100%... But don't get me wrong, I wasn't totally fooling others and myself when someone asks, 'how are you?' and I respond 'I'm ok' because honestly, I think I am....... at that time or so I thought. But the real deal is that I say I'm ok because I want to be... I want to be okay, I want to be strong, I want to be happy... I wanted to be everything I was not, at that time and I guess I was successful... I even made myself believe that, for a time, I was indeed... ecstatic about everything that's going on in my life... The biggest drawback however is, when I suddenly realize that (pathetic as this sounds) I was living a life of deception, pretending I'm smiling when deep inside I'm kinda wounded. Well, reality bites. Believe me, it does and it does bite hard... I guess life is truly a mystery... no matter what stage in your life is... With all these things and feelings that I've gone through, the biggest lesson I learned is to be true to oneself and believe that it is okay not to be okay coz one day, yes one day, everything will be all right.
;)
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